Choraya's Diary, Entry 1, Tula 12: Oh, how I've waited for tomorrow - the day of my marriage! The harvest is over, the weather is cooling, and I finally get to be married to the woman of my dreams. She is beautiful as the lilies, and as radiant as the stars. How lucky am I to be joined to her for the rest of my life. I cannot wait!! Maybe twenty years from now, I can present this diary to our children, as a memento and record of the beginning of our lives together. Kushi is actually with child, though her parents and I are the only ones who know. We even have a name! Roshanee, the light of our worlds. The location - the city of Kurukshetra, which she believes is blessed by the gods, so that blessing will transfer into our marriage. I certainly hope so, too. Choraya's Diary, Entry 2, Tula 13: Good morning! Today's the day, and I'm so nervous. Over the past 8 years, Kushi and I have come to know each other pretty well, I think. But as Baba always told us, ...
When you described Rama as Savanad saw him, it seemed kind of out of place. This is only because Rama would have been wearing tree bark garb which would have had much less of an effect on the rakshasas compared to the celestial armor. I could be wrong, and Rama picked up this armor along the way but if not, you could explain how he got it or how the rakshasas would still fear him in the tree bark armor. It was interesting to see the complete change in heart of Savanad as he defected from the ways of the rakshasas. If this was a storybook, or if you want to add on to this story, I think it would be cool if Savanad was reincarnated in some way. Then he would be able to find Rama and follow him along with a changed diet and love life. That way he could be “born a man” and Brahma could have looked favorably on Savanad as Rama said. Overall, it was really interesting to see the perspective of a rakshasa with near human emotion and thought, unlike the vast majority of Rama’s enemies.
ReplyDeleteHi Jack! I did consider putting Rama in his tree bark garb, but during the battle against Khara, he put on "celestial armor" (here's the link: http://ouocblog.blogspot.com/2010/12/pde-ramayana-battle-with-khara.html).
DeleteAnd yes, I also considered a follow up story, where this experience with Savanad would be the secret behind his acceptance of Vibhishana (Ravana's rakshasa brother) as one of his allies. But there's so much source material to write about, so I didn't!
I really liked your story. I think it explores an interesting theme that wouldn't otherwise be present in this fantasy story. The idea that someone from the enemy camp might have more in common with the other side is an interesting one. There are a lot of anecdotes about dissenting or dispassionate soldiers who are at odds with their own country just as much as the enemy country. Your character Savanad reminds me of Ravana's reluctant uncle from the original story, or from real life the Japanese admiral (is admiral capitalized?) Isoroku Yamamoto, a Harvard-educated Japanese admiral, who opposed the invasion of China and the Tripartite pact with fascist Germany and Italy. However, he saw the inevitability of a war with the United States and was the reluctant architect of the attack on Pearl Harbor. The idea that even level-headed individuals can be swept along the currents of war is a really interesting one. I think that idea + the idea of redemption through re-incarnation makes this story very impactful. By deserting, Savanad would have been a coward, and might not have been rewarded in the afterlife. But through his duty as a soldier, no matter how reluctant, he may have earned the right to befriend Rama in the next life.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story. I look forward to reading more from you!
Thanks NitroDubbz! That's a very interesting nugget of history. It reminds me of the stories of the officers/soldiers in the Nazi army, who were forced to do inhumane things because of the hierarchical orders. So the (reluctantly) did. Later, it became a big controversy when they were being tried in court - were they guilty because they committed such acts? Or are they innocent because they were simply following orders? I might explore this theme in more stories later. Maybe.
DeleteHi~
ReplyDeleteI really commend you on your writing skills! It's impressive how you can keep the flow of the story without rambling, I definitely have that problem (like right now). I wonder though if you could provide a bit more detail when introducing the characters. At least for me, when a lot of characters are introduced around the same time it's difficult to keep them straight. I had this problem when reading the epics. I think a bit more detail it could help keep the characters and their role clear.
Your authors note was a good follow up. You included some fascinating background info that I didn't know until now. What if you found ways to include that information in the story though? If possible, I think further exploring the relationships between man and rakshasa might be interesting to include in the story.
Great work! Your story was easy to read and I was invested in Savanad from the beginning.
Mariah, I totally know what you mean...Especially with all the names being thrown around in this class, haha. I had to re-read sections of both the Ramayana and the Mahabharata a couple of times because I couldn't remember who was who. I will keep this in mind! Thanks!!
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI first want to say, you have a way with words that really make your audience engaged! The way you started out with the story of Haruko's sons, immediately grabbed my attention. You were able to creatively and thoroughly allow your readers to imagine the words in your story. I would have liked to have an understanding of Haruko's name embedded somewhere in the midst of your story. I think it could have really given more insight to the overall story. I enjoyed how you made the focus of your story relative to Sita's individual journey. I would also recommend explaining why Sita was exiled in your story to give surrounding context. This could make it easier to follow along. If I remember correctly, the original story did not go into great detail regarding Valmiki's relationship to Sita and Rama's sons. So, your story did a great job of emphasizing how important and significant his role was in their upbringing.
Ooooh! Good idea, Lillian! Maybe, from Tori's perspective, I could have her thinking something like, "huh, I guess his name fits him," or something like that. Definitely a good way to incorporate meaning into the narrative.
DeleteAh, and yes, I think I got too wrapped up in telling Hakuro/Valmiki's story that I forgot about Tori/Sita. As a gentleman, Hakuro wouldn't pry too much, but maybe Tori could bring it up in a conversation in hopes of having him help her or something.
Great suggestions! Thanks!
Hey Smith! After reading the homepage of your site and the vision for the storybook, I was excited to read Savanad and see how you would rework elements of the epics in it. Your writing is very smooth, and the details helped bring the story to life. Your characterization was well done; Savanad’s conflicting emotions and loyalties brought to life a complex character, torn between the worlds of the demons and men. I loved the line, “not as a meal but as a mate.” I have one suggestion regarding the final sentence, “…closed Savanad's eyes shut.” You might consider cutting out the word “shut”, because having the word “closed” already implies this, and as it stands the sentence sounds a little bit repetitive and clunky. One can often say more with fewer words, and it is always a good challenge to experiment with how you can streamline your ideas more effectively.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, that DOES sound pretty clunky. I definitely need more work on streamlining sentences. You never notice it as you're writing, but when someone points it out, it's glaringly clear...haha...Thanks, Joni.
DeleteGreat story it was a fun read. I really enjoyed the length of your story first of all. I think it was by far one of the best and most beefed up stories that I have seen so far. I liked the imagery you had in your story. One of the best things was when you described the old man cutting down the tree. When you described the strength he had by saying he looked like a 25 year old cutting the wood. It instantly made me think of a strong old man from a karate movie or something like that. Great job! I can't wait to read some more of your stories.
ReplyDeleteYes! That's exactly the sort of image I was going for! I'm glad I could paint that image in your mind. Thanks for reading!!
DeleteHey, I just want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed reading your story, Haruko's sons. From the very beginning I felt extremely engaged with it do to how you chose to start it. I really liked the italicized part at the beginning and how even though it was simple and short, it did an adequate job of setting the scene. Great job on that, man. The way you transitioned in to the story proper was very elegant. We went from a succinct description of the setting, into being dropped in the setting itself. The imagery that you used was awesome. The way you described the physical attributed of each character gave the overall story so much more depth, and it drew me in incredibly. This plus the dialogue that you used, made the story extremely interactive and fun to read. I look forward to reading your other stories. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteHowdy Smith,
ReplyDeleteI would like to start by saying by your portfolio website looks very nice and is super easy to navigate. I really like all of your banner photos too.
Now to get into the contents of your writing, I was entertained by both of your original stories. I love how strong your stories started out. I was hooked on reading both of your stories by the end of the first sentence of each story. I have previously left a normal blog comment on "Hakuro's Sons," and I did not have any suggestions then, and I do not think I have thought of any after reading it again. I still stand by my words in that comment. I once again commend the imagery you presented in "Savanad." My only suggestion would be to perhaps add in direct quotes of what the people of Khara's army were saying about his proclamation before the battle started. Overall, your rehashed stories were amusing. Great work, keep it up!
Hi Smith!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love the story you wrote about Valmiki! Changing his name to Hakuro was a great touch and I really appreciate how you not only told a good story, but taught me something new at the same time. You also taught me what the words yogan and kusa mean. It is awesome that you put so much into naming the characters in your story.
I actually wrote a similar story over the interaction between Sita and Valmiki in the woods. It is a great part of the Ramayana that provides us with endless possibilities of new stories to tell.
I also really like your writing style. You used perfect word choice and sentence structure for this type of story. I especially like the opening paragraph describing Hakuro. When you wrote that the tree started to grow around him the first thing that popped into my mind is when Bootstrap Bill was becoming a part of the Flying Dutchmen in "Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest." I don't know if you have seen that movie but your intro put that picture in my head.
Most of the time I would leave a critique, but I cannot think of one. Keep up the good work!
Hi Smith,
ReplyDeleteLet me just say that your website looks wonderful. Your first story titled "Savanad" was great. The story was very well written, and you provided great detail and imagery.
I liked the plot of the story. I thought it was very creative — a Rashkasha among Khara's army that did not want to be there. I can't help but think of how this can apply to real life wars and soldiers. I think it would have been nice if you could elaborate on his desire to be a human. You gave pretty good reasons as to why he wanted to be one, but I think having a background story to it would enhance the story. Maybe he fell in love with someone that rejected him because he was a Rashkasha. Or maybe he had a human friend that showed him the ways of the human. Either way, it was a very good story. I look forward to reading more from you this semester.
I thought your story was excellent. Throughout the Mahabharata, I kept on asking myself what the rakshasa's thought and I wondered how they saw Rama's journey. I especially like how your story dived into who the rakshasas were. It was nice to have some background information on them which further propels your story. You did a fantastic job of portraying the conflict that is going on between the rakshasas. They know who Rama is, but are still demanded by Kali to be enemies of men. Regardless of his feelings about the outcome of the battle, Khara had a duty to fulfill. It makes me wonder whether or not blind allegiance is a good thing and in this case, it is not. It was nice that even though the rakshasas had to go into battle, they were redeemed by Rama as he sent them off into the next life. This shows the mercy of Rama and adds a trait to him that wasn't explicitly stated in the Mahabharata. Overall, I had a great time reading this story and can't wait to read the other stories that you make.
ReplyDeleteHey Smith, I think you wrote an amazing story!! When clicking on the story Savanad it was really intriguing with the background image that you chose. It made it seem mysterious and I really was curious to see what this was about. The way Savanad was looking at the moon and contemplating life made me think of something I would read from Shakespeare where they are on a balcony and troubled with what is going on. This gave the story a very unique feel to it. It also shows the life of a warrior, one that has little to no say probably due to rank. However, they owe allegiance to this person because of race not necessarily because they joined to fight. I think it would have been really interesting to see what happened if Savanad did not die. What if Rama saw this creature and due to what he said to him, healed and saved Savanad. Would Savanad be able to provide Rama with insight on the other Rashkashas or even how to defeat Ravana or where Ravana is?I think the story would of been very different had he survived! However, I still really enjoyed the story. At first I thought this was a real Hindu story because I had never heard of Savanad. Your author's note did a great job of really explaining who this character was and how you came up with the creativity to develop this character and story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHi Smith,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I think your name is cool. This is my first time interacting with your work in this class so it is nice to meet you. I just finished checking out your story about Savanad and I must say it was pretty creative! Right away I was impressed with your choice of vocabulary as it made me think of what words I can make better in my own.You seem to have a good idea on the relationship of the characters in real life and kind of who they all are. I personally get confused on who is who and what they are so go you for understanding it! Going off on all of that, why don't you explain who was who a little more? It's a lot of new creatures for those who are not familiar with Indian epics and would be nice to explain everyones role a bit more.
Hi Smith,
ReplyDeleteI loved your story “Hakuro’s Sons.” It really has the feel of the stories from the epics we’ve read, while still being very original. The names felt right for the context, which is something I’ve noticed often doesn’t happen when people try to come up with their own names. There’s a complex interplay of actual linguistics and the perceived linguistics of American English speakers that comes together to determine whether a name sounds “right” in a given context, and it takes a good intuition to suss that out. Nicely done!
I also liked very much the moment where Hakuro tells his “sons” the story of Rama; it’s a nice connection back to the broader themes of the class and the story that your character sprung from. I wonder: when Hakuro said “you can call me Hakuro,” was that really his name, or was he naming himself for this new role in his life? Did he know the significance?
Thanks,
A.M.
Good first story, although its quite difficult to explain why its good, so thanks for making my life more difficult. I remember being told that written stories can be separated into characters, plot, setting, and prose. Assuming that this is a useful method of viewing stories (it could just be pretentious inanery) , your story fulfills all of these requirements. The plot and character are both compelling on a conceptual level. The setting is already done, and the lower level grammar and sentence structure are fine. The mid level details and smaller events progress towards your goal.
ReplyDeleteI like your second story a little less. It seems to be a bit more experimental though, and experimentation usually leads to an initial drop in quality, so don't let me get you down. Sita was the best part of this story; the details used to describe her emotions and situation were good, and gave me a clear picture of her thoughts, feelings and situation. However, everything else feels... uninteresting. The story of how the twins grew up feel like they were included because it occurred in the original, and not because you wanted to describe them the way you did for Sita.
If you could describe everything as well as you did with Sita, that would be great. Muah, great job though, love you.
Your second story seems to have two angles with its storytelling. One seems to follow Tori (Sita) and her exile from Rama as she eventually finds Hakuro (Valmiki). The other is more focused on the sons and their development due to the training from Hakuro. Then you show us how attached Hakuro gets to the sons. If you wanted to focus on one aspect/character of the story you could expand on the feelings and point of view of that character. I really like the research that you did when coming up with names. It's cool to see the diversity in the origins for the names. How did you go about looking for names in the first place? I think it would be pretty cool to have names that are more than just a name and that mean something. I've tried to investigate naming but it usually doesn't turn out too great. I think if you wanted, you could continue this story by highlighting the coming interactions with Rama by both the sons and Tori.
ReplyDeleteHey Smith! I really enjoyed reading the Choraya’s Diary entries. I think that was such a neat and creative concept that really added a unique twist to your inspiration from the Mahabharata that you spoke of in your Author’s Note. I can definitely see where you drew your inspiration from the battle between the Pandavas and the Kauravas. The only suggestions I would like to make would be first to perhaps add more detail to the entries. I would love to know more about the days particularly in entries 5 and 6. The second suggestion I would like to make would be to provide a little more background to the characters you introduced in the second entry. What exactly is the relationship between Choraya and Baba? Does he have any particular memories that stand out and he could share to provide the reader with a little more context as to why he respects him so much? Again, I really enjoyed reading your story and look forward to seeing more of them from you as the semester continues to progress!
ReplyDeleteHey Smith, I really enjoyed your overall portfolio! I have not necessary commented and read majority of the portfolios in class because I wrote as storybook and have stuck to mostly those, so I was very interested to read some and yours was great! I think your creativity was very well seen in your stories because as a reader, I could see the creativity in them, and how they were not just the same repeating stories. I think your addition of the part where the Rama story is told to Hakuro's sons was a nice touch because it was sentimental and sweet. I also appreciate how you did take the time to find all the names you utilized in your stories. I know I found it difficult to think of names that fit into the genre and time period, so its nice yours seem very accurate!
ReplyDeleteHi Smith! You certainly created some interesting stories. I'm impressed overall, they're all quite good. You have a good writing style and you took a unique path for your stories. I really enjoyed reading the personal accounts of outsiders who were present during some of the more important events in the Ramayana. Personal accounts of events add new perspectives, even if they're fictional and that makes it all the more interesting. I have to say, though, that last one was kind of beautiful. It was a nice synthesis of your other tales, but with an interesting twist. It kind of reminded me of Arrival, if you've ever seen that movie, and I won't spoil it for you if you haven't; it's good in my opinion. I also liked your choice of images for the homepage and "An Account in Time." Both, especially that last one though, were fitting for the portfolio.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful portfolio Smith. First of all, I enjoy all the art you chose for you pages, it really helped set the tone and mood for each story. I like that you also took a turn and changed the writing style from your first two in your third by creating a story that is chronological in a diary type format. I think this was my favorite story because while we all know the stories in old Indian Epics involve gods and royals, we never hear about the normal everyday civilians that suffer and experience the same times. I loved how in your lat story you played with the indian idea of reincarnation and a man experiencing lives I presume to be ones in his past. THough it is unfortunate that this man loses his own time as well through these unfortunate time skips/flashbacks. Overall, each story had amazing details and descriptions, you're a great writer!
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